Hey cutie pants

Did i happen to tell you about cutie pie? his grandfather was a patient in the ICU where i work and though he’d been there for a week I’d never been his grandfather’s nurse before. He was absolutely gorgeous and completely the type we girls drool over in private, our eyes met and we were hooked sort of like every guy i ever locked onto. He started to make it his business to meet me as i was coming or going, or going out of his way to ask me for anything he needed as if just for a chance to talk to me. When he learned I’d been in a car accident he came to check on me and we found we lived close to each other so he casually offered to drive but i politely refused and just as smoothly mentioned him being married to make sure he was absolutely single which surprisingly he was. He asked for my snapchat account after that and we started talking and on the heels of me getting into a funk over a something a coworker said on one of my night shifts while he sat in his grandfather’s room and watched me, he got in the car with me and we talked. He was such a cute and soft gentleman in the way he talked and acted so i began to tease him a bit much with being a girly guy until we got in his granddads Mercedes and he showed me his wild sexy af side, he came after putting my hand over his manhood twice – over the jeans – which was the biggest compliment I’d ever been paid. I remember we fought every day in our very short lived fling and it ended fast because we parked for an hour and i took his ring after he came in my hand and wouldn’t give it back, he kept insisting on taking it and then grabbed my phone as hostage so i threw it and left which the last night i spoke to him. It’s a shame but i believe we peaked right there in our second ride when he kissed me and i bit his lip, neck and then he came so damn fast. Sometimes it’s better for things to end early and decisively than drag on and only get worse, don’t you think?

Out of shape

Wow, 50 squats seem to be a lot of work after 3 months of no workout but that’s what hospital shifts will do to you making your time outside consist solely of sleeping and just occasionally eating. As the guy I’ve been eyeing for the last two days – as hot as hell- stopped me in the hallway to flirt last night, it occurred to me that I’ve never failed to get the attention of any certain guy if i wanted it and in the wise words of Dr Joe I’ve only never been dumped because i always leave first – which applies to me jumping out of his car at the red light the last time he saw me.

I’ve known every kind of guy there is and been every type of woman from a shy school girl to a mistress to a soulmate, and won’t it be funny if i ended up with the guy i friend-zoned in college for 4 years and didn’t talk to for 2 more years after because he’s not taller than me. Most guys who fall for me are drooling over my body, some catch my smile and love what they call my kind optimistic spirit and few of them put me on a pedestal as if i could do no wrong but they all have one thing in common, none are ready for a serious relationship or marriage.

It just seems like a funny story to tell grandkids 50 years from now that grandad loved me for 6 years before i finally gave in and married him 😂

I need you to need me

“I’m getting divorced.”

It was that sentence that lured her back to the comfort of having Dr Joe hold her in his arms, she’d missed intimacy due to covid rules and sanctions and her boyfriend being too busy taking care of his parents and worrying about catching the infection so she wouldn’t dream of finishing with her covid ICU patients then going to see him. She thought they’d just park in their old spot and talk but he drove out the minute the car door closed, he looked like shit with messy dandruff full hair and red rimmed eyes, worn out red scrubs and large ugly crocks and she told him that much. He told her about another girl and she felt her world fall apart around her, ever since she knew him the only truth that carried her through this storm of a relationship was that this egotistical self centered perverted brilliant completely imbalanced man who flirted with anything female and had a fiance, he only loved her and she held the magic big brown eyes that he could not look into and tell an untruth. He said he loved her, a seventeen year old relative slut who lived in america now and that’s who had broken his tiny pathetic excuse of a heart, how could she comfort him now when she knew he’d only called her crying because the girl he loved had changed and left him. She didn’t want to get out of the car because the minute she realised they’d parked by an apartment building she felt trapped, it was the same problem all over again he still wasn’t hers and she didn’t want his hands on her even as she craved his perfect sensitive touch. He didn’t pull or drag her with him, never even attempted to exert any pressure or force but he persisted and then she was inside and it dawned on her that this was the home he’d made for him and his fiance but he took her on a tour of it with the excitement of a three year old boy showing off his new toys, she felt suffocated with images of him with two other girls with him in every room and every corner but she still noticed him closing doors and locking them in. She tried to escape once and twice and almost walked right out the front door, she turned her face when he would have kissed with lips that brought other girls pleasure and then he was in her arms while she cried and begged him to let her go, but she felt him collapse against her and cry like a lost child looking for shelter. She could never turn him away when he looked like that not even as he asked her to kill him, she needed to comfort him and hold him against her until he smiled again and he did. It was so easy to smile and laugh with him wrestling in purple fur sheets and forget about all the flaws that lay there flashing red trying to keep them from making the same mistakes again and again, “my friend told me not to get involved with you! What would she say now?” it was a dance of control and need, he needed her to touch him and love him and she needed to be in control. He barred himself to her completly and he knew she’d accept him with all his scars, flaps and all because she was the only one who ever loved him in all his damaged glory “you’re the only one I’ve ever cried in front of, i need you” those three words were her undoing and she had to give him what he asked even if it meant falling too hard and knowing he would never catch her.

My new love life makes me love life

Long time, no posts. I have been neglecting all creative activities actually and aside from my daily 50 squats – which have done wonders to my backside- I’ve also stopped excersizing / dieting, i could blame all this on my fabulous love life that keeps me content instead of restless and a man who loves me just the way i am rather than try to change me. The truth is I’m growing up and finding out life doesn’t go our way and it brings you down more times than it lets you up, it truly counts as a victory if you can find the will to live each morning.

Speaking of said earth shattering mind blowing – that’s not the only thing blown recently 😉 – healthy love relationships, Seeing how excited Magic gets just seeing me get past my shyness and perfect lady image and stuff my face with shawerma has made me fall way harder for him. here is a man not afraid to see a woman for what she really is which is only human. Guess what?! Some men understand that women too get mad and prissy and hungry and need to go to the bathroom and even get their periods regularly and bleed for days, i remember back in college this one guy was totally disgusted by the mere mention of menstrual cycles and as he looked at me with that horrified look on his face i thought it was my fault. It isn’t!

It’s only natural for a woman to have all these things and all these emotions and more natural that she’ll go through the entire emotional spectrum every single day and ladies until you find a man who will cuddle you and play with your hair, love you in all those states please don’t compromise. A man who makes you feel bad about yourself is toxic, a good man will bring you icecream and shower you with kisses and tell you he loves you in the middle of your ranting.

Dr Joe once told me I’m a dominant kisser, which is true and i was the dominant in every relationship I’ve had so far but then i met Magic and he’s my Dom. It’s so natural that he lead and i follow and though I’m still an argumentative little minx who can’t keep her mouth shut to save her life with a slight anger management problem, everything is easier when he’s around and i find myself complying even as i object and refuse. He’s been my rock this entire year and now through losing my job and struggling for my sanity and at night after we fall asleep on the phone, i lay dreaming about finally getting a good hard well-deserved spanking before bed for being the little cat in heat that i proudly am..

Notging but a disappointment

I stared at the conversation recognizing the number only by the tiny photo of the man i used to believe was my soulmate, it’s strange how the only feelings he stirs in me now is disappointment which is the most insignificant of all emotions in my opinion. I can’t seem to work up enough energy to care or wonder why he’s remembered me after almost a year of silence, it must be a sign of maturity to be able to put all tge thing that happened behind you and act simply civil with a person who hurt you so much. I could he was waiting for me to talk and ask questions and make conversation because he could never open himself up to make any such gestures in fear of rejection, but it was time for him to realize that if you don’t hold in to the good things in your life they will pass you by. Leon and many other men I’ve met want to be able to come and go as they please and yet always find you excited and madly in love with them, no woman should ever have to live with that kind of disrespect no matter how disparate she might be..

I’ve got faith

On this day last year i wrote that i was stronger than a thousand men and tougher than a million mountains, this year i say my faith is stronger than other people’s intentions and best laid plans. If i don’t end up in a place then i am certain it is because God knows it’s not the place for me and is leading me somewhere better, I’m not afraid of change or even being uprooted and thrown out on the street and over what? If people don’t like me then too bad, I’m not crazy about them either and at the end of the day I’m not here to make friends and fit in. I am perfectly fine standing out on my own two feet and I’ll enjoy watching God’s plan unfold, waiting for the expression on all their faces when i actually go out there and make something out of myself that they will be forced to respect. I have something mightier than whatever anyone can have against me, i have allah on my side and complete blind faith in his wisdom for me because “god and one make a majority”

Birthday teddy

In case you were wondering Magic came all the way from another county to celebrate my birthday with me two days late, i brought him the black crochet scarf i knitted for him and though he said he forgot my present i wasn’t convinced. I drove behind his agonizingly slow pace until i could park and the minute i got into his car i saw it, a big red teddy bear sitting in the backseat with a love cushion in his lap. I spent our hour hugging my gift to my chest in excitement and self defense from his wandering hands, i gave him a kiss and one of his hands took up residence on my upper thigh squeezing and kneading me to perpetual arousal. I had the pleasure of returning the favour but only through his dress pants and watch how much power i could have over him with just one tug, in another set of circumstances i would have climbed on top of him and dryhumped the life out of him just to get off but it was a state park and broud daylight. In the end he helped me lay the giant red bear down in the trunk away from prying eyes where i would later sneak him out of at dawn when no one could see, I’ve been sleeping in the arms of my big teddy ever since while listening to my baby be envious of his own present..

So fulfilled

It’s been weeks since I’ve written anything and entire months since I’ve drawn or painted anything but it doesn’t alarm me because my life never feels empty while i have Magic, i used to compell myself to do all these things on a daily basis to feel some sort of achievement and suddenly i don’t need it. All i need is to have him talking to me everyday and the routine of writting my days at their end has become a routine or whispering my words to him as we both fight the sleepiness so we can stay together longer, he starts to fade in and out of sleep while i listen to the sound of his breathing – and occasionally snoring – and every few minutes he’ll rouse just enough to say “stay until I’m asleep.” I’ve been a tease, a fantasy and a naughty little tryst but I’ve never been anyone’s home before, he runs to me to tell me what’s wrong as if just having me say it’ll be okay will make it so. Not to say I’m not his little minx between the sheets or that he doesn’t devour me whole whenever i let him, he takes less than he gives and wants all my pleasure to be at his hands or any other body part of him i choose..

Destiny

Braced myself for the goodbye,
‘Cause that’s all I’ve ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, “I’ll never leave you alone”

I don’t mean to sound pathetically romantic but i think Magic is my meant to be, i can’t believe god created such a patient and loving soul made perfectly to match my imperfections and calm my restless spirit. I feel like I’m living inside that Taylor Swift song and every time we fight i pack my stuff and think this is it, he can’t take it anymore and he’s going to leave or be too angry to make up but he isn’t. His faith in me is so genuine and strong that i actually want to become a better girlfriend for him, if he loves me enough to hold on so tightly then i love him enough to let go of my fears and let myself fall so magnificently into the strongest arms that have ever held me. I want this to be it and i wish we can stay this way perfectly balanced between care and abandon, all the wrong men I’ve met and loved have led me to this wonderful destiny and great man and i wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

Post birthday / breakup vibe

I should’ve known better than to expect Dr. Joe to actually show up or for Magic to really remember my birthday on his own or any man to truly surprise me yesterday, but i did expect something spectacular to happen and maybe having a good time with the girls and Abe getting me a bag of licorice was it. What haunts me is what Joe said when i commented about me never being cheated on unlike him, “that’s because you either breakup with them before they do or you just breakup with them.” it hit home because I’ve never been in a long term relationship and as me and Magic go beyond the third month i can feel myself getting restless and sabotaging my own happiness, i said i could and very will might marry this man but i can’t help my temper and how i can’t stand being yelled at. There is no real reason why i can’t commit except in my head or maybe it’s my fate to be alone, i hope one day i can meet a man who will silence all my doubts and leave no question about how he fits into my life…