I want to tell you that i don’t like you, you are weird and full of contraindications that i don’t have the time to think about. I hate how much your mood changes within the same hour and how many different personalities you can be, not that i care to hate you so don’t be flattered. You act like a spoiled child sometimes with your loud laugh and obnoxiously wide ever lasting smile, you also thrive on annoying the people around you so much that you look for what triggers them most like you pulling on my bracelet. I get so frustrated by you sometimes but there is nothing i can do, because those huge brown caramel eyes fill all your head whenever i start to reproach you. It’s really frustrating that you act completely unaware of how damn sexy you look with your makeup always fresh and your outfit always perfect, then you proceed to flirt and laugh with everyone around. You know full well how every man in the room is already aware of you and yet you act surprised at their attention, and worse yet is you do all this while keeping boundaries and not wanting to be in a relationship with any of them. Do you see how evil and manipulative you are? And yet every one sees you as this innocent young lamp who needs to be protected and cared for when the truth is you are a tease who can take care of herself.
I don’t like it when you shut your heart out and become all business like which, if I’m honest makes you seem much older and more sophisticated than you should be. I know something is wrong when you are pensive and don’t hear things from the first time then comply to whatever orders you’re given without any attitude or flare, i know you overthink and the voices in your head are too loud then. Then there is the time i saw you cry, you looked so fragile and small that i almost didn’t recognize you. It was like a punch in the gut because i realized your smile wasn’t ever lasting and your optimism wasn’t strong enough to keep you going, i noticed your nails digging into your skin and the bright scars of your forearm. You carry all your emotions on your face without any filter or mask but i found out your smile was a good acting trick you had, the only way to tell whether it was true was the sparkle in your eyes.
See i don’t like anything about you at all, i actually found i don’t know much about you anyway. Though you speak so much and i can recite every story you’ve told me and every little quirk you ever admitted to, you never shared anything real about your life. I don’t know how spend your time if not sleeping or why you sometimes go off food for days, i can’t say whether you have someone to talk to when your upset or if you have a man. I don’t know why you hurt yourself and who made you so insecure and how you saw yourself in the mirror, i only know very superficial things and i don’t like any of them.
So, you see my dear i don’t want anything to do with you!
I have been patient and impatient at the same time, i have given her weeks while trying to gauge her reactions. It seems she’s too spontaneous to predict and too wild to hunt but i decided to jump in anyway, It has been killing me to work with her in silence and have to see the smile she gives to everyone so easily wiped off before she could turn to me. She has one of those smiles that can light up your whole day and she talks so freely with everyone else that you automatically want to tell her everything, but she holds back around me. Either because of what really happened or what people said, they tell me she’s sensitive and easily influenced by other people’s opinions. The last time i tried to broach the subject she merely mumbled a denial and ignored it, this time i planned to keep insisting until we could clear it out. I wanted to be a part of the club, the ones she smiles to everytime and says hello to no matter what, the ones who get to hear her laugh and make her blush. I knew i was married and her conversations with me would lead no where, i didn’t want them to lead anywhere but i couldn’t help gravitating toward her positivity. She tried to laugh it off again or deny the entire thing but i didn’t take no for an answer and thank god i didn’t, once she opened up and started to argue all her inhibitions that she put up only with me melted away. I could see the bubbling energy that was waiting to burst, she had a fire inside her in so many ways. There was a slight twitch she had as she was quick to blame herself, but i tried to kill her doubts as soon as they appeared “i was never upset at you, i knew you were upset though.” she surprised me by asking how she had an attitude toward me these past few weeks, how it was clear she was upset. How could she not know? Her friendliness was like a halo around her that she had hid from me since the incident, her smile has been reserved to those who never made her cry- no its not that because i know now she’s quick to forgive, it’s saved for those innocent until proven guilty.
Tell me, do you miss her as much as you thought you would? Do you think about her now that she’s not around anymore? Does her smile haunt your waking dreams long after she’d said goodnight? Do her sad and soulful eyes follow you around the empty halls she once crowded? Do you still wonder about the scars on her left forearm and the reason for her self harm?
I believe you do. You must, because you seem to day dream more often when she’s not around. I catch you staring at your phone and refreshing an old conversation, you don’t hide your feelings better than she did. I see you went back to wearing pink shirts as if hoping she’ll come back and scold you for it, you started to smoke too. You are trying to get her back in all the wrong ways because you don’t know the right ones, she left without an address or number. She left you with nothing.
So tell me, do you still love her as much as you once did?
I watched the young man from my little desk as he sat in the waiting room, he hadn’t let his eyes wander away from Ruby since he first arrived and glimpsed her. I saw her recognize him in her peripheral vision and leave, when she came back again she ignored him, scanning the room as if that particular seat did not exist. Her various reactions gave the man no pause as he seemed to expect no less from her but his eyes glistened as he watched her come and go, he sighed each time she was gone and zoomed out into his own little world. Ruby surprised both of us when she came by next by greeting him like an old acquaintance, she got him settled in a bed and then assigned him a different nurse and left again.
I couldn’t help myself from stopping him before he left and asking him to have a cigarette with me, he accepted with a sad smile as if the small roll held a sad memory “how do you know Ruby?” his eyes darted straight to mine and we stared at each other for a moment before he looked away and sighed, he was not upset or startled at me, It felt as though he sympathized with me or pitied me which i didn’t understand. “i’d advise you to stay away if you haven’t already fallen too hard. It isn’t love, it’s a trap. Would you believe me if i told at a certain small period of time she was my best friend and confidant and we loved each other powerfully? Or at least i loved her.”
i stared at him with wide eyes and felt my jaw drop, i couldn’t begin to understand what he was telling me as his voice thickened with emotion and he rushed over the words. “she is beautiful and kind, smart and sassy with no inhibitions whatsoever. She’s a great listener and a brilliant advisor and her smile alone can brighten your day but she is mad and moody and evil in the best of ways. She will dance with no music on and sing whatever comes into her head, she will write about you publicly and never admit to knowing you intimately. She will be jealous of every one around you, stalk you on the Internet and in real life but pretends she doesn’t even think about you twice. She will want to know your family and friends and be part of everything in your life and push you into being the best person you can be, but she will leave. No matter how wonderful you are or how happy she seems or how many promises she gives you, you can’t keep her forever. She will pick on you for wearing pink and stain your cigarettes with her lipstick so you’d quit and haunt all your favorite places so you’d never go back. When it’s over you will become invisible to her and you won’t ever be the same, because she poisoned your life and invaded your dreams and commandeered your heart without asking permission.”
he seemed tired and old all of a sudden though he couldn’t be far into his twenties,he looked at me as if i was a wreck about to happen in front of his eyes “you will realize you don’t know anything about her and for all the talking she does, she says nothing important. You will be too busy keeping up with her mood swings to ask what happened and she won’t tell you about it, she won’t directly lie but she can hide a lot with omission and smiles. But there is one thing you can always count on even when she is pretending you don’t exist anymore, she always cares.”
he returned the cigarette which he had not yet lit and patted my back gently before leaving, i stood there trying to grasp and memorize everything he said and a small voice whispered to me “he never said her name.”
This wasn’t the first time Adam has woken up in April’s bed or woken up next to her, but it was the first time that they were naked and very sated. A dump grin spread onto his face as he thought over the exact details of the previous night, the image of April riding him with wild red hair and big tits bouncing was engraved into his brain forever. “stop smiling like the cat who ate the mouse,” April sounded sleepy yet happy as she whispered into his shoulder while fighting a grin of her own. “i ate something way better, a pot of honey maybe,” he teased as his hands strayed down her smooth flesh spreading heat. “you dirty boy,” the words had barely left her mouth when he rolled on top of her and his lips claimed her own, and in that little bubble neither of them was worried or lonely and cancer didn’t exist.
April’s heart was pumping slowly and surely against her chest but she could feel the thrashing inside Adam’s chest, she thought it was strange to be so calm on the verge of such a big step. She knew this would change everything forever and it might not be for the best but this was the first time in months that she felt alive, or more importantly not alone in this. “kiss me,” her voice sounded confidant and sexy though her inner Dialogue was stuttering. Adam’s blue eyes widened and an intense heat flashed inside them but he seemed to be in an internal struggle, like he was holding himself back for her own good. “kiss me like the french do,” they shared a smile before their lips collided and they were a tangle of limbs and passion.
Adam stared at the ceiling of April’s childhood room, there were glow in the dark stars and one lone heart in the middle making a beautiful sky for her dreams. Her hand was tracing random patterns over his chest and arms and every once in a while she’d sigh and whisper “you’re here.” it wasn’t really a question or an exclamation but more like she wanted to make herself believe it by saying it out loud, his heart thumped so hard trying to get to her “we’re here.” she nuzzled into his neck and planted a soft kiss over his collar bones, it scalded him and the heat went straight to between his legs “i missed you.” her breath dried the skin where she kissed him and a shiver ran through his spine, when their eyes locked over that intimate gesture they both knew they were going all the way this time and neither one of them wanted to stop.